I’m about half an inch away from removing The Guardian website from my bookmarks.
Its Comment Is Free section is becoming a sandpit for chimps who’ve been given a box of Crayolas to play with by Alan Rusbridger. The pisspoor Martin Jacques column of last week was today almost surpassed by a pisspoor Zoe Williams column that, unlike Jacques’ effort, is so pisspoor it can’t even be considered funny and to which I refuse to link.
Meanwhile, its Breaking News section currently has one “headline”:
COMING UP TONIGHT: Follow The Apprentice with Heidi Stephens’s live blog from 9pm
To paraphrase Keith Burkinshaw, there used to be a newspaper in there.
I’ve just updated WordPress. It transpires that we’re only up to 392 posts (including this one), so we’ll get to celebrate the 400th anniversary again soon-ish.
I won the court case yesterday. This may have had less to do with the brilliance of my oratorical skills than with the fact that the claimant didn’t turn up.
The District Judge and I sat and looked at each other for 20 minutes; she then asked me a few cursory questions about what my case was; she then looked at her watch, sighed and said, “It’s his case and he can’t expect it to get very far if he doesn’t turn up. The claim is dismissed. I suggest you leave as quickly as possible in case he arrives any second.”
“Thank you, Madam.”
This full version of events may not have been disclosed to my colleagues, though I have made them aware that the outcome was favourable…
The court usher had more facial piercings than I’ve ever seen on one individual. I’d love to see him try to eat soup.
Over the course of eleven years my advocacy record is played four, won four.
Undefeated. Me and Joe Calzaghe.
On two occasions the other side didn’t turn up and on another the chairman of the tribunal opened with the words, “Sorry to keep you waiting but we’ve just read your submission and your appeal is successful. Do you wish to add anything?”
At some point some fucker’s going to make me open my mouth and then my client is really going to be shafted…
Curiously my record is not quite “Ministerial” in its proportions. Indeed the only record I spot is that every time I appear in a new level or type of court I lose.
Legging it when the other side doesn’t turn up is actually endorsed as good practice in the Bar School advocacy manuals.
Rather annoyingly I had to refuse a brief yesterday due to a conflict. I was instructed to represent a dwarf porn star.
That used to be my nickname at school.
But seriously – I have nothing but the utmost respect as I have never pleaded in court and shouldn’t think I ever will. I have also never been anyone’s best man and likewise do not expect to be asked by anyone. Jesus, why don’t I just kill myself now?