They don’t make ‘em like that anymore
I’m still here. Sort of. And I am obliged to Jules for keeping the site functioning over the past week, even if that picture of Bob Woolmer could now be all too easily misconstrued in light of a developing story that genuinely deserves the description ‘stunning’.
The standing joke about unemployment is, of course, “daytime television”. And to a certain extent, it’s true – it can suck you in.
Unlike in the days of Maggie’s Millions, however, at least now you have 200 channels of shite in front of which to piss your time up a rope.
I am becoming increasingly favourably disposed towards channel 215 on Sky, Legal TV, even if its tagline – “The law firm in your living room” – scares the shit out of me. I’ve worked in law firms: I’ve seen the turds left on the bathroom floor by lawyers too self-important to make it into a stall, the telltale traces of white powder scattered carelessly around the place, the whizzed-off-his-tits partner lobbing laser printers at people at 3am… I don’t think the Minister’s Wife would tolerate behaviour of that kind in her living room.
Legal TV shows the three episodes of a full Crown Court trial every day. How cool is that?! And it had some bloody good actors in it – I’ve seen Saeed Jaffrey, Kevin McNally, Sheila Gish, Terence Alexander, Sam Kelly and a pre-Gold Blend Anthony Head, among others. And it had the best title music of any law programme ever.
On channel 442, meanwhile, hides ESPN Classic. This afternoon it’s showing highlights from – for example – the cricket World Cup of 1983 (England v Sri Lanka and England v Pakistan), Norwich City v West Bromwich Albion in 1979 (the draw took Ron Atkinson’s WBA to the top of the Frst Division – briefly), Five Nations rugby (Wales v Scotland and Ireland v Wales, both from 1994) and the notorious England collapse against Holland in an April 1993 World Cup qualifier at Bad Old, Dirty, Smelly Wembley.
Graham Taylor’s Clueless Army:
Chris Woods
Lee Dixon, Martin Keown, Tony Adams, Des Walker
John Barnes, Paul Ince, Carlton Palmer, David Platt (captain), Paul Gascoigne
Les Ferdinand
So we played a lone striker at home. And Carlton Palmer. And no left back or right winger. And kept Lee Sharpe on the bench. Jesus wept…
As Platt puts England 2-0 up, Andy Gray pipes up: “Well, it just gets better and better for England, doesn’t it?” Er, no, Andy, it doesn’t. It really, really doesn’t. Not once Dennis Bergkamp starts to pay attention. And Ruud Gullit gets his porn star ‘tache warmed up. And Marc Overmars gets over his stagefright.
ESPN Classic’s piece de resistance, though, this afternoon came from 4 January 1994: Liverpool 3 Manchester United 3.
It was a different world.
The fourth official doesn’t have his fancy LED board with which to announce a substitution: all he has are straightforward, yellow plastic signs with numbers on.
British Steel – do you remember nationalised industries? – has an advertising board behind the goal. Right next to one for Harcros Timber & Building Supplies.
Alex Ferguson calmly sits down for most of the match, as opposed to his current modus operandi – standing next to the linesman, screaming invective in his face.
Only two subs on the bench; only one allowed on.
Brian Kidd.
Peter Schmeichel smiles as United go 3-0 up after 24 minutes.
Jumpers for goalposts… Innocent times. Happy days.
When Souness takes off Steve McManamanamanaman and brings on – wait for it – Stig Inge Bjornebye, the Minister guffaws and mutters, “Yeah, Graeme: that’ll get you the equaliser.”
Needless to say, Bjornbye immediately whips in a cross from the left which Neil Ruddock nuts into the top of the net.
“Oh.”
But, really, just how fucked up did Souness’ regime become? The starting line up for Liverpool was:
Bruce Grobbelaar
Rob Jones, Mark Wright, Neil Ruddock, Julian Dicks
John Barnes, Jamie Redknapp, Nigel Clough, Steve McManaman
Ian Rush (captain), Robbie Fowler
Has there ever been a slower back four? Rob Jones was mentioned twice in the commentary of the 30-minute highlights package; Julian Dicks got a special shout out from Jon Champion, namely “And where on Earth was Liverpool’s left-back Julian Dicks then?” Half that team was only hours away from qualifying for their bus passes, and Ian Rush was already technically clinically dead – as his performance proved. That must surely be the worst Liverpool first XI since Shankly’s earliest days.
The United line up, for the record, was:
Peter Schmeichel
Paul Parker, Steve Bruce (captain), Gary Pallister, Denis Irwin
Andrei Kanchelskis, Roy Keane (pre-sobriety), Paul Ince, Ryan Giggs
Eric Cantona, Brian McClair
Still, cracking game. Brilliant goals from Giggs, Irwin and Clough (twice).
The ads, of course, are very tightly targeted: Just For Men, that sort of thing. And they clearly know their demographic inside out because I tweezered out a very unruly grey hair before yesterday’s interview…