Hi, Dave!

I just wanted to share with you the exciting news that I’m throwing my weight foursquare behind your boy Oliver Colvile at next year’s General Election.

And – like Oli – I’m quite chunky so that should count for something.

Someone pushed one of Oli’s leaflets – Oliver Colvile Reports Back – through my letterbox yesterday, which came as a lovely year-end surprise.

Now, let’s get this out of the way up front: Oli’s not really much of a looker, is he?  He’s certainly no Michael Gove, that’s for sure.  (But then again, few are.)

And if we’re being brutally honest, he looks a bit vacant in most of the photos in the leaflet – but like the Brand New Tories I don’t judge people simply on whether they epitomise the phrase “the lights are on but no-one’s home”.  (Blimey: if everyone did that we’d have nobody in Parliament, would we, Dave?)

And, if nothing else, Oli’s got a cracking pink shirt.  And I’m down with that.  I’ll not only hug a hoodie; I’ll even give a quick cuddle to an overweight bloke in a pink shirt.  It’s all good in the 21st century, isn’t it?

It was sad to see that Oli’s leaflet wasn’t printed on recycled paper and I’m sure you’ll be giving him a stern talking to about that just as soon as you’ve answered the question “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Nadine Dorries?“

Unfortunately as I live about 250 miles from Oli’s Plymouth, Sutton & Devonport constituency, I’m not sure I’ll actually be able to vote for him in March, May or whenever.  (I did once see Plymouth Argyle play, but they were away from home on that occasion so I don’t think that qualifies me to vote down there…)

It’s a shame but never mind, eh?  Plymouth, [The Minister's constituency]: target seats, schmarget seats.  Frankly, it’s all a bit same-y outside Westminster and Notting Hill, isn’t it?

As you yourself said in Oli’s leaflet, “Conservatives up and down the country are working hard to earn your support.”  Not half!  Leafleting all the way from Plymouth to [the Minister's constituency] is more than “hard work”, Dave.  No wonder the poor sod who limply dropped the leaflet onto my doormat yesterday looked knackered as he staggered up and down my garden path.

And as you said in your Webcameron™ New Year Message: “our politics is badly broken.”  Never a truer word spoken, Dave.  And it’s no wonder it’s broken if our political parties are so bloody incompetent that they can’t even punch the right postcode in the sat nav when they’re out leafleting.

Still, I’m sure this is just a wee aberration and that as part of your “culture of thrift” you would drive such waste and financial mismanagement wholesale from these islands if you form a government.

Until then, though, please feel free to drop as many expensive glossy leaflets for other constituencies through my letterbox as you like.  I’ll happily recycle them for you.  (And besides, you can always ask that nice Mr. Ashcroft to underwrite such profligacy, can’t you?)

Give my love to Gorgeous George!

Kind regards,

[The Minister of Truth]

PS:  Did you see what that Philip Hammond fella said yesterday?  (He’s very good on Top Gear, isn’t he?)  He wants inheritance tax to be “only paid by millionaires”.  Dude, you’d better start tax planning now!  Get KPMG on the blower sharpish.

PPS:  Do pop in when you’re next in the vicinity to sedate Nadine.  I’ll even crack open a packet of digestives if you do.  (Genuine McVitie’s, too: I don’t serve guests own brand biscuits…)

PPPS:  Happy New Year!