Politics

30 Things The Minister Did On His Sabbatical

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  1. Learned more than he ever wanted to know about multiple myeloma, bone marrow transplants, quadruple heart bypass surgery and the work of cardiac intensive care nursing staff.
  2. Spent a lot of time driving up and down the M1.
  3. Lost 70lbs.
  4. Put 28lbs back on.
  5. Lost another 21lbs.
  6. Put another 18lbs back on.
  7. Lost another 14lbs.
  8. Joined the Labour Party in the hope that the new leader wouldn’t be a breathtakingly clueless wanker of the first water.
  9. Resigned from the Labour Party due to the breathtaking cluelessness of its new leader, Edward Samuel Miliband, Wanker of the First Water.
  10. Helped fund four albums (by Sophie Madeleine, Emmy The Great, Terra Naomi and a work-still-in-progress by Kat Edmondson).  Girls with guitars, eh?
  11. Been very impressed indeed by and become very well acquainted with the music of John Grant, The Wellspring, Sun Kil Moon, School Of Seven Bells, Alicia Witt, The National, Pete Yorn, Hannah Peel and A Fine Frenzy.
  12. Bought Tom McRae‘s back catalogue. Some fucker’s got to feed his pigs.
  13. Watched a lot of House, Wallander and Community, while wishing I lived in the States so I could watch more of Craig Ferguson.
  14. Got an iPad.
  15. Bought my godson his first iPod.
  16. Waved a fond farewell to Chesterfield FC’s “atmospheric” old stadium on Saltergate.
  17. Watched in open-mouthed amazement as Chesterfield FC won the Fourth Division title in their first season in their really rather fabulous new stadium.
  18. Bought a couple of domain names I like a lot.
  19. Almost completely deGoogleified my life.  Fuck, that felt good.
  20. Discovered and greatly approved of Mighty Leaf Teas.
  21. Got even more anal about fonts and typefaces.
  22. Fell in love some fabulous Mac software – Alfred, Flow, Hype, iA Writer, Sparrow.
  23. Installed a PowerLine network at the Ministerial Residence.  (I’m sure the Minister’s Wife would have preferred me to redecorate the staircase and landing, but you have to pace yourself at my age.)
  24. Discovered that Nerina Pallot is a seriously top lass.  (Her new album’s out next week.)
  25. Fell for Pop Culture Happy Hour.  Glen Weldon is now my personal hero.  (Mistyped that last sentence.  It originally said “Glen Weldon is now my personal herp”.  I think Glen Weldon would approve.)
  26. Had a Twitter exchange with Nicky Fucking Campbell in which I was so civil I did not once call him “Nicky Fucking Campbell”.
  27. Saw several David Ford gigs (travelling 150 miles through a snowstorm to attend one) and read David Ford’s book, I Choose This.  Was not disappointed once.
  28. Had brief work-related journeys to Miami, Puerto Rico, San Francisco, Paris, Munich, Madrid and Stockholm.  Didn’t really enjoy them but Stockholm is lovely (as are its inhabitants).
  29. Came up with an idea for Coalition Cabinet Toilet Paper, because wiping my arse is the only thing that shower of unmitigated cock cheese is fit for.
  30. Generally despaired rather a lot.
So we’re back.  Buckle up: it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

(There’s) Always Something There To Remind Me

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To paraphrase Brian Micklethwait, during the last few weeks the ratio at this blog of things I really want to say to things that I am merely saying because of the self-imposed obligation to say something, however lame or inconsequential, has taken rather a turn in the wrong direction.

So until the start of September I am taking a break from regular blogging, as I did last summer.

This does not mean that I will for the next few weeks be forbidding myself from posting anything here, merely that I will not, for the time being, be posting something (almost) every day.  Unless, for the consecutive days in question, I just happen to feel like so doing.

The break I took last year renewed my enthusiasm for this place at a time when it was in the balance as to whether or not I would raze the Ministry to make way for new Subway and Starbucks franchises.  I hope this holiday has a similar restorative effect.

I leave you for now with some wise, wise words.  They come from the 6 July 1983 maiden speech in the House of Commons of one Anthony Charles Lynton Blair:

I am a Socialist not through reading a textbook that has caught my intellectual fancy, nor through unthinking tradition, but because I believe that, at its best, Socialism corresponds most closely to an existence that is both rational and moral. It stands for co-operation, not confrontation; for fellowship, not fear. It stands for equality, not because it wants people to be the same but because only through equality in our economic circumstances can our individuality develop properly. British democracy rests ultimately on the shared perception by all the people that they participate in the benefits of the common weal.

That worked out well, didn’t it…?

May your summers glisten with faint beads of perspiration.

1_listingjpgHe has a halo: we really do adore him
For he has a halo – can we touch him?

This is the life of illusion: wrapped up in trouble, laced with confusion

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The West Country locals are revolting.

Camborne councillor Stuart Cullimore has received a personal apology from the Liberal Democrat party after being called a “greasy-haired twat” in election material.

The words are contained in an election leaflet distributed by Anna Pascoe, who is a Liberal Democrat candidate in this Thursday’s Cornwall Council elections and a fellow town councillor.

Around 40 of the leaflets are believed to have been delivered in the Basset Road and Basset Street area of Camborne.

The leaflet states that Ms Pascoe “has always campaigned on behalf of the people she represents – rather than using her position as a personal platform (like greasy-haired twat Stuart Cullimore).”

Unparliamentary language, yes.

Fair comment, though, surely….?

grease
(The Minister would like to congratulate Councillor Cullimore on his election.)

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

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If you want to learn just how clueless and spineless Labour MPs are, read Allegra Stratton’s article “Why plot to oust Gordon Brown failed” in today’s Harry Potter Bugle. Seriously, how cluelessly fuckwitted are these people?

By Wednesday evening, the covert tactic unravelled as thousands of emails arrived. Apart from the odd one from genuinely sympathetic MPs, spoofs, foreign emails, and junk emails flowed in.

Who’d'a thunk that a Hotmail address leaked to a national newspaper might not be the best way to conduct these affairs? (Particularly when I am reliably informed that the rebels without a clue all have ENORMOUS penises and therefore have no need for lengthening potions and devices.)

Meanwhile, I can exclusively reveal that Roger Alton’s pulsating organ, The Independent, is both (a) clueless, and (b) dishonest.

It is true that the great bulk of the British public wants a change at the top – but nothing suggests that by this they mean a new leader of the Labour Party; no opinion polls have indicated that with Alan Johnson, or David Milliband, or (fill in gap) as leader of the party, its electoral chances would be transformed.
- Dominic Lawson, The Independent, 9 June 2009, page 27

Er…

Johnson would deny Tories outright victory
‘Independent’ poll reveals that new leader could transform Labour’s prospects
- The Independent, 9 June 2009, page 1

Once upon a time newspaper employed sub-editors, proofreaders and sense checkers to avoid this kind of idiotic and entirely preventable error.

Now, a work experience kid just changes the t’Internet version of the story and fails to say that they have done so:

It is true that the great bulk of the British public wants a change at the top – but little suggests that by this they mean a new leader of the Labour Party; only one opinion poll has indicated that with Alan Johnson, or David Miliband, or (fill in gap) as leader of the party, its electoral chances would be improved.
- Dominic Lawson, The Independent, 9 June 2009, online edition

Even bearing in mind Lawson’s usual pisspoor efforts, this is pathetic stuff.

And we can now firmly discount The Independent as an accurate, honest and impartial historical record.

Consider this the hint of the century

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Everything I was going to post this afternoon has already been posted here.  Go there.  Read it.  Click the links.  You won’t be disappointed.  It’s very good.

I know that there are some who’d prefer things like egg-chucking at Griffin not to happen, and I can see that point of view. I just happen to think that seeing his fat smelly face looking frightened and upset is a wondrous thing. For sure, the way to defeat the fascists is to engage the working class into politics they can believe in, to work hard on real solutions to poverty and unemployment, and to fight at every turn to denounce the lies spouted by prejudiced idiots about immigration and multiculturalism. Yes yes, I know that. But making that vile fascist tit look stupid is a good thing. Satire is egg-chucking without the actual egg, and we need that too. We need all kinds of attacks on Griffin, making him look ridiculous in every sense, exposing his nastiness and making him into the national joke he is.

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