Labour

Yet more tragically easy satire

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Do you have one idea to win the next election? The Fabian Fringe at Labour 2011

Labour Party Conference is fast approaching and as with every year we’ll be running one of the largest fringe programmes on offer. Come and join us and our partners in Liverpool Town Hall, just five minutes walk from the Secure Zone. No conference pass is needed to secure attendance.

Do you have one idea to win the next election? If so please submit your ideas to Me and the winner will get to pitch their ideas to our Dragons in this year’s ‘Fabian Dragons’ Den entitled‘One Idea to Win the Next Election’(Sunday at 1pm).

Hazel Blears MP and Mehdi Hasan (Senior Editor New Statesmen, co-author ‘Ed: The Milibands and the making of a Labour leader’) will be joined by a special guest to pass judgement on your ideas.

To take part all you need to do is submit your pitch via e-mail and be ready and available to speak at The Fringe event itself. The pitch should be no more than 500 words and a few runners up will have their ideas posted on our prestigious and influential Fabian blog ‘Next Left’.

Posted by Olly Parker – Events Director at the Fabian Society

Er, “ditch Chauncey Gardiner and replace him with someone more credible with the electorate, like Iain Duncan-Smith”?

A slowly growing sense of hopelessness and impending doom

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Story #1: London’s burning. Again.

Story #2: The markets are in freefall and various economies are failing. Again.

Story #3: There’s been a massive increase in crime in rural areas since the recession started.

I don’t know what story #4 was on the BBC’s early evening news yesterday because I switched off at that point.

Each of the stories was presented in isolation, with fuck all by way of analysis or thought apart from a flash of Stephanie Flanders’ revolting green skirt.

It’s all linked, of course, and none of it is remotely surprising for those with half-an-inch of long-term memory. It happened in the 80s during a recession. It happened during the 90s in a recession. Just because we didn’t have a recession for 15 years doesn’t mean we should raise an eyebrow that the slash and burn approach to economics adopted by PBD and Gideon have resulted in exactly the same social upheaval that occurred when That Bloody Woman did the same thing three decades ago.

There are only two differences now.

First, rolling news channels have been invented. They’ve got to fill all that airtime somehow. The riots of the 80s just got ten minutes at the start of the evening news bulletin. Now it’s all riots, all the time. Breaking news is the new light entertainment.

Second, our leaders – the people in whom apparently sane and rational individuals were inexplicably prepared to place their trust just over a year ago – were absent. Whatever other flaws she had (and I think she had a couple), you can’t imagine a complete vacuum in Downing Street when That Bloody Woman was in charge. Even Bliar and Arrivederci Gordon realised some bugger had to hold the fort.

Everybody deserves a holiday. Even PBD and Gideon. (Or, more accurately, their families.) But, in real life, everybody in my department is not allowed to go on holiday at the same time. It is shameful beyond comprehension that the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Home Secretary and the Mayor of London were all on holiday at the same time.

And I notice Chauncey Gardiner was on his hols, too, only deigning to come back from Devon’s Adenoid Extraction Recovery Unit AFTER PBD had announced he was getting on a plane to fly back from Tuscany. That tells you everything you need to know about our Leader (sic) of the Opposition.

What was our Coalition administration’s stunning Plan B while everyone topped up their tans? William Hague and Vince Cable. The former, a man whose leadership credentials have already been roundly rejected by the British electorate in a plebiscite; the latter, a man whose sole achievement over the past 15 months has been to demonstrate his lack of temperamental suitability for ministerial office. It shows how well the Don’t Panic Double Act went that first Nick Clegg, then Theresa May and then finally PBD dragged their sorry arses back to work like a half-hearted zombie invasion.

Gideon remains absent, soaking up the Californian sun. Rome burns but it’s nothing to do with him, guv.

Of course, the real salt is yet to be rubbed into the wound. Wait for it – it’s coming: the emergency police powers. We’re inches away from a police state. But then maybe that’s what our politicians have wanted all along.

And one final thing. What the fuck has this got to do with the Olympics? How many people were murdered in Los Angeles in 1983? Or Beijing in 2007? Grow a fucking pair. If you want to try to shift attention away from the fact that you have wrought this on yourselves by pursuing exclusionary policies, fine. But some of us would have preferred all along if the £9.3 billion or more of public money being spent on the Olympics had been spent pursuing inclusionary policies.

Not for the first time, the Minister quotes with approval Tom McRae:
Rioters of London, remember to leave some real estate standing so mortgage companies have a product to deny you.
I wish the poor shopkeepers luck in claiming on their insurance or getting small business loans. The wrong buildings are on fire.

(Thanks to Radio Nixon for the post title.)

An open letter to Iain McNicol, General Secretary Designate of Chauncey Gardiner’s Labour Party

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Dear Mr. McNicol,

Congratulations on your election as the Labour Party’s General Secretary Designate. I learned of your election from your email to me earlier today, entitled “Let’s Work Together”.

Perhaps one of your first jobs when you take over from Ray Collins could be to cleanse your mailing lists and remove people who, like me, have written to Mr. Collins to resign from the Labour Party in protest at Chauncey Gardiner’s breathtaking ineptitude and ask to be removed from your mailing lists?

That way, you’ll stop people like me from reporting your party to the Information Commissioner’s Office and will prevent your party from wasting more of the money it doesn’t have fighting legal cases it can’t afford.

That sort of thing.

Pip, pip.

Yours sincerely,

The Minister

We’re all in this together

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To the Commons, where David Lammy asks PBD if the informality of his relationship with Rebekah Wade-Mitchell-Brooks was appropriate.

“I’ve never held a slumber party or seen her in her pyjamas,” wisecracks PBD in response. (Because cheap gags is precisely what’s needed at the moment.)

Wonder if everyone else in the Commons today can say the same, though…?

>> Big Questions <<

What people want to know this week

Which politico might be feeling a bit nervy this week as old rumours which linked him VERY closely to the News International CEO are circulating around disgruntled hacks in Wapping?

Ministerial apology

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For some time now, I have been pouring scorn on Edward Samuel Miliband, Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition and Leader of the Labour Party.

In the course of the last six weeks I have described him as “floppy”, “awkward”, “clueless”, a “wanker of the first water”, “inept”, “pathetic”, “dreadful”, “abysmal”, “pitiful”, “awful”, “limp”, “anaemic”, “nonsensical”, “embarrassing” and “Chauncey Gardiner”.

With the benefit of two weeks’ hindsight, I now accept I was clearly, completely, unequivocally, dunderheadedly and half-wittedly wrong on all counts.

Ed Miliband’s superlative performances during the News International affair have demonstrated to all that he is a political giant, the likes of which we have not seen in this country since William I.

In just two short weeks, Ed Miliband has redefined the age in which we live. He bestrides the world stage like a Colossus.

Ed Miliband’s presentational skills put Apple to shame.

Ed Miliband’s leadership makes Genghis Khan look like a pussy.

Ed Miliband’s outstanding oratory literally scorches his audience, all of whom have to receive medical attention after his speeches.

In the space of a fortnight Ed Miliband has brought about an end to war, famine, pestilence and poverty.

In just 14 days Ed Miliband has cured both cancer and AIDS.

He has colonised Mars.

He has recorded and released a series of albums that completely shit down The Beatles’ throats.

The breathtaking achievements of Edward Samuel Miliband over the past two weeks cannot be overstated: Ed Miliband should not only win all this year’s Nobel Prizes, he should win them all EVERY YEAR FROM NOW ON.

Until 14 short days ago the Labour Party was hurtling towards obliteration. Now it’s heading for inevitable world domination, adenoids or no adenoids.

Ed, I was wrong and I am sorry. Your penis is enormous. Your balls are massive. Your taint is beautiful, no matter what they say.

I love Ed Miliband.

Vaz deference

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I’ve just heard The Disgraced Former Europe Minister Keith Vaz on the radio talking about honour, integrity and people correctly resigning to take responsibility for their actions.

Once more, for clarity: that’s THE DISGRACED FORMER EUROPE MINISTER KEITH VAZ opining on honour, integrity, and taking responsibility.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Oh, fuck me.

(With thanks to Pickled Politics for the title.)

“I like to watch”

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I don’t think I’ve ever posted the same thing two days in a row, but seriously – watch this…

…and then tell me I was wrong to vote for Ed Balls.

The man’s either (a) clueless beyond words, (b) seriously unwell, or (c) Chauncey Gardiner.

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