Dear Nick”y” Campbell
This is a fan letter.
I don’t think you have any idea how many people out there deplore your continued retention as a broadcaster and columnist.
If you do, you can’t realise why they loathe you. It’s not because of your opinions, which are entirely inconsequential. It’s because, by being nothing more than a puffed up, monumentally self-satisfied hollow man, you are fundamentally unqualified to share them with us.
You live and work in a little bubble of happy ignorance, where you imagine your musings provoke a reaction, but they don’t. But you, yourself, do. You see, the deafening silence of disinterest in what you have to say every day is drowned out by the angry complaint of anyone with a brain who cares about the society we live in. We’re just mystified at why such a lazy, third-rate, self-promoting pub know-all is being inflicted on the public at large. Are British people so sinful, so beyond redemption, as to deserve this?
You are a pure product of phone-in radio – except now the presenter sounds like the stupid narcissistic punters.
I’m sorry, but being Scottish is not an excuse. You don’t get to be the unconventional “shock Jock”, winding up the English. The fact that you are Scottish is not only profoundly boring (and your constant trumpeting of your Scottishness is crashingly repetitive) but also damning to Scotland. Most Scots I have met are enlightened, interesting, substantial, genuinely (I say genuinely) witty and great company. You are none of these (not that I want to test the last one out). Oh, and a word to the dumb, most Scots don’t keep going on about Scotland.
To compound matters further, your attitude to your 5-Live co-presenters, most of whom are female and every one of whom is more accomplished than you (which I’ll grant you isn’t difficult), is so horribly patronising as to be unprofessional, not to mention offensive. You’re not only stupid, you’re nasty as well.
The fact that your commonplace brand of cloying, emetic waffle, received opinion and weak argument, all masquerading as substance, has enabled you to pursue your career without apparent controversy says precisely everything there is to say about modern broadcasting.
It’s apt that you’re all over the airwaves when at a time when somebody had the idea of dredging up all the pisspoor light entertainment presenters of yesteryear and deciding to put them back on TV and radio, but get them to share their views with us in print as well. Where the likes of Terry Wogan, Noel Edmonds and Michael Parkinson are being given air time and column inches. You’re the little prince of all that shite.
Look, on a more positive note, you are an excellent game show host. Possibly one of the best I’ve ever seen. Whatever dubious skills you have, are only suited to this sort of television. It is beyond me how you (and your employers) haven’t recognised this when millions of us out there have.
Yours hoping never to hear or read you ever again
Julien Allen
