Chancer’s Paradise

Ministerial apology

By BigBrother in All posts No Comments Tags: , , , ,

For some time now, I have been pouring scorn on Edward Samuel Miliband, Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition and Leader of the Labour Party.

In the course of the last six weeks I have described him as “floppy”, “awkward”, “clueless”, a “wanker of the first water”, “inept”, “pathetic”, “dreadful”, “abysmal”, “pitiful”, “awful”, “limp”, “anaemic”, “nonsensical”, “embarrassing” and “Chauncey Gardiner”.

With the benefit of two weeks’ hindsight, I now accept I was clearly, completely, unequivocally, dunderheadedly and half-wittedly wrong on all counts.

Ed Miliband’s superlative performances during the News International affair have demonstrated to all that he is a political giant, the likes of which we have not seen in this country since William I.

In just two short weeks, Ed Miliband has redefined the age in which we live. He bestrides the world stage like a Colossus.

Ed Miliband’s presentational skills put Apple to shame.

Ed Miliband’s leadership makes Genghis Khan look like a pussy.

Ed Miliband’s outstanding oratory literally scorches his audience, all of whom have to receive medical attention after his speeches.

In the space of a fortnight Ed Miliband has brought about an end to war, famine, pestilence and poverty.

In just 14 days Ed Miliband has cured both cancer and AIDS.

He has colonised Mars.

He has recorded and released a series of albums that completely shit down The Beatles’ throats.

The breathtaking achievements of Edward Samuel Miliband over the past two weeks cannot be overstated: Ed Miliband should not only win all this year’s Nobel Prizes, he should win them all EVERY YEAR FROM NOW ON.

Until 14 short days ago the Labour Party was hurtling towards obliteration. Now it’s heading for inevitable world domination, adenoids or no adenoids.

Ed, I was wrong and I am sorry. Your penis is enormous. Your balls are massive. Your taint is beautiful, no matter what they say.

I love Ed Miliband.

Vaz deference

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I’ve just heard The Disgraced Former Europe Minister Keith Vaz on the radio talking about honour, integrity and people correctly resigning to take responsibility for their actions.

Once more, for clarity: that’s THE DISGRACED FORMER EUROPE MINISTER KEITH VAZ opining on honour, integrity, and taking responsibility.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Oh, fuck me.

(With thanks to Pickled Politics for the title.)

This is the end of the world news, sponsored by God

By BigBrother in All posts No Comments Tags: , , , ,

I feel sympathy for some of the people at the News of the World who are losing their jobs. I don’t like to see anybody lose their jobs (apart from That Bloody Woman, Bliar and the entire current cabinet, natch). Some of those people are truck drivers and printers and office staff and cleaners who have nothing to do with the “journalism” carried out by some on the newspaper.

And some of the others are honest journalists who have never had anything to do with anything that might raise an eyebrow, let alone lead to criminal investigations, prosecutions and/or convictions.

Those people do deserve some sympathy. With the best will in the world, there are not enough jobs around these days for everyone to be able to say on principle, “I won’t work for News International because of Rupert Murdoch.” People have families to feed, clothe and house. It looks as though quite a few innocent people are going to suffer for the crimes of a few and I am really sorry about that.

And it is sad that a title that endured for almost 130 years before Murdoch got his hands on it has met such a ridiculous end. To some extent, the last 40 years of the NOTW‘s life were something of an aberration in the context of its entire history. Like the Mirror and Mail before they went tabloid, the NOTW was once a respected home of investigative journalism. It broke a lot of important stories in those 168 years – and (whether it’s cool to admit it or not right now) there were plenty during Murdoch’s ownership, too, if you could find them within the tawdry tattle that made up the bulk of its content throughout my lifetime. The Observer will soon follow the NOTW into oblivion when Harry Potter finally gets his way and proud titles like that deserve better than the ignomy being thrust upon them by men not fit to fluff those who went before.

All that said – and I mean every word – it’s hard to feel too sorry to see any part of the News Corporation empire slide out of view, even if it is almost certain to be replaced very soon by a (no doubt equally tawdry) Sun on Sunday. Cor, just look at the tits on that.

But anybody who thinks that the corrupt and unlawful practices that were carried on by some members of NOTW staff are confined to the NOTW are deluded. If you think mid-market and highbrow titles don’t do that sort of thing, then look at the Information Commissioner’s report from a few years ago [warning: PDF].

If yesterday – delicious as it was in so many ways – is to mean anything in the long run, the promised enquiries and ongoing police investigations need to look at more than just the activities of some on the News of the World and drive that particularly malevolent strand of journalism back into the gutter.

If James Murdoch thinks the answer, “At this moment, yes,” is an appopriate answer to the question, “Are you absolutely certain that these practices did not extend to The Sun?”, he needs to be shown the error of his arrogance.

And if News Corporation and/or News International think refusing to accept Rebekah Wade-Mitchell-Brooks’s resignation is the right thing to do at this juncture, then Ofcom really needs to grow a pair and see whether its “right and proper” muscle still retains any memory at all.

Every serif helps

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For those who don’t get my typefaces fetish, compare this:

with this:

The food almost certainly tastes the same.  The cost of the items in the shopping basket is probably more or less the same.  But one sensory experience is incomparable with another.

It just takes a little bit more time, effort and care.

And what the fuck would Tesco know about that?

A feature about the branding and typefaces used by a family-run German supermarket chain called “tegut…” is published on the Fonts In Use website.

Sir Bobby Robson

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Once upon a time there was an English football manager who won things that mattered.

robby

He adored the game, respected its heritage and never lost an infectious enthusiasm for the potential of 22 fellas running around after a round leather ball.

He didn’t abuse the reporters who (at times) abused him; he didn’t refuse to speak for years on end to the broadcasters who helped pay his wages; he took evident pleasure from developing stars rather than buying them in.  He conducted himself with humility and humanity.  His teams played pretty damn good football.  And you got the feeling he’d have done it even if it didn’t pay him a penny.

How sad that he passed away having had to witness the crumbling of his beloved Newcastle United, whose current, humiliating predicament can be traced directly to his sacking in five years ago.

The English game, whose soul visibly diminishes with every passing month, today lost more than perhaps its last great manager.

Rest in peace, Sir Bobby.  And thank you.


Sir Bobby Robson CBE, 1933-2009

Wade in

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Apparently, the London Olympics start three years tomorrow. That’ll be nice, won’t it?

I’m desperate for there to be one hugely successful, absolutely sodden night for the British athletics team in the Olympic Stadium just so the subs on The Sun get to publish the ultimate headline:

soaraway

(There’s) Always Something There To Remind Me

By BigBrother in All posts 1 Comment Tags: , , ,

To paraphrase Brian Micklethwait, during the last few weeks the ratio at this blog of things I really want to say to things that I am merely saying because of the self-imposed obligation to say something, however lame or inconsequential, has taken rather a turn in the wrong direction.

So until the start of September I am taking a break from regular blogging, as I did last summer.

This does not mean that I will for the next few weeks be forbidding myself from posting anything here, merely that I will not, for the time being, be posting something (almost) every day.  Unless, for the consecutive days in question, I just happen to feel like so doing.

The break I took last year renewed my enthusiasm for this place at a time when it was in the balance as to whether or not I would raze the Ministry to make way for new Subway and Starbucks franchises.  I hope this holiday has a similar restorative effect.

I leave you for now with some wise, wise words.  They come from the 6 July 1983 maiden speech in the House of Commons of one Anthony Charles Lynton Blair:

I am a Socialist not through reading a textbook that has caught my intellectual fancy, nor through unthinking tradition, but because I believe that, at its best, Socialism corresponds most closely to an existence that is both rational and moral. It stands for co-operation, not confrontation; for fellowship, not fear. It stands for equality, not because it wants people to be the same but because only through equality in our economic circumstances can our individuality develop properly. British democracy rests ultimately on the shared perception by all the people that they participate in the benefits of the common weal.

That worked out well, didn’t it…?

May your summers glisten with faint beads of perspiration.

1_listingjpgHe has a halo: we really do adore him
For he has a halo – can we touch him?

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