It occurred to me whilst watching the BBC Sports Personality of the Year show that 2 hours of watching highlights of minor sports and brief highlights of major ones (pictures courtesy of Sky Sports) is a long time to wait to find out the name of the big winner. And the results can sometimes be a little disappointing.
With that in mind, one wonders, does Zara Philips not have an agent or a minder who could have suggested that she have a brief speech prepared? A lot of the horsey fraternity at the SPotY show looked somewhat embarrassed by her vacuous ramblings, none more than Mike “Pentonville Prison Face” Tindall. If you’re winning a prize based on being a personality, it doesn’t really do to fall at the first hurdle.
Paul Sculthorpe, captain of Saint Helens (team of the year) perhaps understandably, given the enormity of what the Ryder Cup team achieved in a sporting context, didn’t have anything ready either (and the Saints lads looked like they were worried the cops were going to come bursting in at any moment) but at least he said what Zara Philips should have said: “this is particularly great for [enter minority sport here] and I hope you’ll all come and watch it a bit more” or words to that effect.
My own personal highlight was in realising that the person (outside Phil Taylor, who for the time being at least has an “athletic prowess” handicap as far as the suffrage is concerned) who should have won hands down (Joe Calzaghe) didn’t get to the podium. After a weekend where the ancient and stupid sport of boxing had enjoyed something of a resurgence on our TV screens (with commentators talking as if it had never been away) it was good to see that it is still so unpopular that a fish-faced gymnast and a royal on a pony get more votes than a bona fide boxing world champion. The only trouble is, it’s the monarchy that’s battling it out with boxing (and Miss World) to be crowned the most ancient and stupid thing of all. So there’s a bit to do yet.
You expected anything different? Look at the list of the past 35 winners. Unless you can stay up all night drinking heavily (cf Freddie, Gazza, Daley and Beefy), a trait the British public seems to admire, the possession of a personality automatically prevents you from winning.
F1 CHAMPION AND LEGENDARY DRINKING WOMANISER JAMES HUNT LOST OUT TO JOHN CURRY IN 1976. AND DAMON HILL WON IT TWICE, FOR FUCKSAKE!
2005: Andrew Flintoff
2004: Kelly Holmes
2003: Jonny Wilkinson
2002: Paula Radcliffe
2001: David Beckham
2000: Steve Redgrave
1999: Lennox Lewis
1998: Michael Owen
1997: Greg Rusedski
1996: Damon Hill
1995: Jonathan Edwards
1994: Damon Hill
1993: Linford Christie
1992: Nigel Mansell
1991: Liz McColgan
1990: Paul Gascoigne
1989: Nick Faldo
1988: Steve Davis
1987: Fatima Whitbread
1986: Nigel Mansell
1985: Barry McGuigan
1984: Torvill and Dean
1983: Steve Cram
1982: Daley Thompson
1981: Ian Botham
1980: Robin Cousins
1979: Sebastian Coe
1978: Steve Ovett
1977: Virginia Wade
1976: John Curry
1975: David Steele
1974: Brendan Foster
1973: Jackie Stewart
1972: Mary Peters
1971: Princess Anne
1970: Henry Cooper
That is a quite phenomenal percentage of winners without a personality. Apart from your own, I can only concede Greg Rusedski, Linford Christie and Jackie Stewart as having a personality (though not always a very nice one). Either the English clearly adore people who are dull or Royal or both, or most sportspeople are just like that.