I used to like Q magazine.  Then it got so up its own arse as it tried to outdo Smash Hits that I stopped buying, reading or caring about it.  The last year or so has seen me buy the occasional copy but the relationship has never been truly rekindled.

I’ve been reminded why by looking down the list of winners at yesterday’s Q Awards.  Or, more precisely, at the categories of the awards that were presented yesterday.

What’s the difference between being the year’s Best New Act and receiving the award for being Breakthrough Artist of 2007?

What differentiates between a Q Hero, a Q Legend, a Q Idol and/or a Q Icon?  Is Sir Paul (who seems to win something every year) one of these things, but not the others?

And don’t the Q Lifetime Achievement Award, Q Merit Award and Q Classic Songwriter categories seem essentially indistinguishable both from each other and from said Heroes, Legends, Idols and Icons?

The Americans have it right: the Rock’n'Roll Hall of Fame.  The acts inducted have all essentially done the same thing – they have made a substantial contribution to the success, popularity and/or evolution of rock music.

That’s what the Q Awards seem to want to do but instead of just inducting three or four acts each year into something similar, they go to ever more bizarre thesauretical lengths to ensure that a couple of big names turn up to the bash alongside the envelope-opening-attenders.

May I suggest for 2008 the Q Darling, Q Deity, Q Favourite, Q God(dess), Q Pin-Up, Q Star, Q Apotheosis, Q Big Cheese, Q Bigwig, Q Immortal, Q Worthy and Q Superstar Awards?

There you go, Mr. Rees: all yours.  And I don’t even want to blag an invitation.