For some time now, I have been pouring scorn on Edward Samuel Miliband, Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition and Leader of the Labour Party.

In the course of the last six weeks I have described him as “floppy”, “awkward”, “clueless”, a “wanker of the first water”, “inept”, “pathetic”, “dreadful”, “abysmal”, “pitiful”, “awful”, “limp”, “anaemic”, “nonsensical”, “embarrassing” and “Chauncey Gardiner”.

With the benefit of two weeks’ hindsight, I now accept I was clearly, completely, unequivocally, dunderheadedly and half-wittedly wrong on all counts.

Ed Miliband’s superlative performances during the News International affair have demonstrated to all that he is a political giant, the likes of which we have not seen in this country since William I.

In just two short weeks, Ed Miliband has redefined the age in which we live. He bestrides the world stage like a Colossus.

Ed Miliband’s presentational skills put Apple to shame.

Ed Miliband’s leadership makes Genghis Khan look like a pussy.

Ed Miliband’s outstanding oratory literally scorches his audience, all of whom have to receive medical attention after his speeches.

In the space of a fortnight Ed Miliband has brought about an end to war, famine, pestilence and poverty.

In just 14 days Ed Miliband has cured both cancer and AIDS.

He has colonised Mars.

He has recorded and released a series of albums that completely shit down The Beatles’ throats.

The breathtaking achievements of Edward Samuel Miliband over the past two weeks cannot be overstated: Ed Miliband should not only win all this year’s Nobel Prizes, he should win them all EVERY YEAR FROM NOW ON.

Until 14 short days ago the Labour Party was hurtling towards obliteration. Now it’s heading for inevitable world domination, adenoids or no adenoids.

Ed, I was wrong and I am sorry. Your penis is enormous. Your balls are massive. Your taint is beautiful, no matter what they say.

I love Ed Miliband.