The Daily Mash is no Onion, but I do like this:

MPs TO CLAIM FOR BLACK MARKERS USED TO CENSOR EXPENSES CLAIMS

MPs are expected to claim thousands of pounds for the black markers they will use to censor their expenses claims, it emerged last night.

On the day backbenchers accepted a 2.3% pay rise they warned that paying for the extra-thick marker pens themselves would leave them with very little change from their £65,000 salaries.

Tom Logan, Labour MP for North Watford, said: “It’s vital that backbench MPs are able to maintain a steady supply of really good black markers, especially those that live more than 15 minutes from central London.

“Everyone knows that the further you get from London the drier and less effective your marker pen becomes.

“Indeed in my constituency a marker pen will only work if it is accompanied by a 42″ plasma screen TV, an antique fireplace and all 14 volumes of Big Wet Asses.”