[Disclaimer: this bad-tempered and almost certainly illiterate despatch comes to you from the Minister's sick bed after he has necked 10mg of morphine sulphate in an attempt to prevent him from self-performing a hip replacement operation, and with the aid of only his left eye as the right is gunged up with cream treating bacterial conjunctivitis.]

The Minister has not been in the best of form over the past three or four days, but if his drug-addled brain is correct the situation is this.

The Cabinet includes Peter Mandelson, Nick Brown, Harriet Harman and Margaret Beckett.

Disgraced Former Europe Minister Keith Vaz is under investigation by the Parliamentary authorities over allegations that he may not have behaved with impeccable propriety.

The Government is spending billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money to shore up institutions falling on their arses.

An upstart new London Mayor is antagonising the Government.

And the Government is caving in on ridiculous, draconian detention laws before getting its arse kicked around the chamber of the House of Lords.

FUCK ME, PEOPLE: HAVEN’T WE ALREADY DONE THIS BIT?

I must be Sam Tyler.