Dear Mr. Rusbridger,

It was Smashy-ing to see your organisation provide space this week for the self-obsessed, arrogant and slightly unhinged former Radio 1 disc jockey Mike Read to declare to a grateful nation that he would not seek nomination as the Conservative candidate for next year’s London mayoral election.  (I haven’t yet met anyone who was aware Mr. Read was even considering standing but you clearly move in far more recherché circles than me.)

Between this and your inexplicable continued employment of self-obsessed, arrogant and slightly unhinged former Radio 1 disc jockey, ‘reality’ TV contestant and and game show host Nick”y” Campbell as a weekly columnist it is increasingly difficult to consider you a serious editor or ‘theguardian’ (sic) a serious newspaper.

Considering you were born in 1953 it seems odd that you were still obsessed with Radio 1 in the mid-1980s but to each his own.  As such, I do hope the pages of your organ will soon be bursting with “Me” Mark Page’s announcement that he is considering getting a conservatory, Adrian John’s views about woodchip wallpaper and and The Ranking Miss P’s agonising over whether or not she should become a school governor.

Get a grip, you silly man.

Yours sincerely,

[The Minister]