Now, this is tragic, sad and outrageous in equal measure, don’t get me wrong. But – and bear in mind I’ve had more than a couple of units as I type this – I can’t help but think of this:

You guys like going to the movies? You… you do? Three of you do? I love the fucking movies. Love ‘em. Now I’m watching ‘Terminator 2′, did ya’ll see that movie? Well, I’m watching, and I’m thinking to myself, You know what? There’s no way they’re ever gonna be able to top these stunts in a movie again, you cannot top this shit. Unless… They start using terminally ill people as stunt men in pictures. Well, hear me out. Because I know to some of you, this may sound a little cruel: “Aw, Bill. Terminally ill stunt people – that’s cruel.” You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put ‘em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room, her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? Hey, how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger? Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck! (Karate noises) Wow, he kicked her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy? She’s out of her misery, you’ve seen the greatest film of all time! I’m still feeling some resistance to this, man. What’s up? You and your fake fucking sympathy. Okay, how about these guys who’re being executed? Don’t do that. Poison, electrocute – how cruel! And unimaginative! Put ‘em in the movies! Jeffery Dahmer, for your crimes against humanity, of which you’ve been found guilty, I sentence you to Wes Craven’s next picture! Bwahahaha! Ahh! Ahh! Okay, not one of my more popular theories. But just do me a big favor – don’t ever say you love film as much as I do. I think we found your limit.

While the Ministry could never condone breach of copyright, read the full transcript of Bill Hicks’ Relentless show here. Better yet, buy the CD here.