And if you’re wondering what this song is leading to…

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Very good piece in today’s Harry Potter Bugle by comedian Dave Cohen (no, me neither) exploring the claims peddled by British politicians about the UK’s long hours culture.

Every survey said the same thing – the British do not work the longest hours in Europe, even before you include those hard-grafting ex-communists and Turkish farmers who boost the “hours-worked” statistics across the continent.

Then finally, I found a survey where we come out on top. It seems we lead the rest of Europe when it comes to working most at weekends and nights. This, you may not be surprised to learn, is thanks to our low-manufacturing, high-service-sector economy. To those who say Britain doesn’t make anything anymore here’s your answer – we do: we make cream teas and full English breakfasts.

Touché, Mr. Cohen.

Mmmmm – cream teas….

Hedonism (Just Because You Feel Good)

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I am under doctor’s instructions not to get too worked up at the moment but there are times I really feel like posting a turd to Polly Toynbee.

She spends a thousand words in today’s Guardian trying to convince us that Britain’s politicians are a warm and cuddly, trustworthy and honest bunch and that we’ve all got the wrong end of the stick.

The £10 blue movie fiasco is an embarrassing error, but hardly a high crime. For years no spotlight shone in this dark corner.

First, Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can’t We? is the title of a Cranberries album, not a justification for fraud.  What kind of fuckwitted political journalist accepts, “All is well; don’t worry your sweet little head about it…” as an explanation from anyone in authority?

Second, if I were to be caught making the “embarrassing error” of helping myself to £10 of goods from my local supermarket, I would be prosecuted for theft and, if convicted, fined and/or imprisoned and struck off the Solicitors’ Roll.  Why is there one rule for me and another for Members of Parliament?

Third, the public dismay over Wacky Jacqui is not about £10 of (almost certainly poor quality) porn, or even the actuality of five pay-per-view movies at a total cost of £21.  People are instead incensed by the £150,304 she has claimed for the cost of running a “second home” over the past eight years at the same time as trousering £141,866 in annual salary – particularly offensive when that “second home” is where her family actually lives.

It matters not one jot whether British politicians are less corrupt than their foreign peers: some of them are still gilding the lily unnecessarily and unethically at taxpayers’ expense.  And that should be stamped out.  Are you really so fucking thick that you don’t understand that?

Polly, luv: try and claim an annual £20,000 in household expenses from the Guardian Newspaper Group in addition to your very substantial salary and see what happens.

Better still, fiddle £21 in benefits.  And then write us all a fragrant column from the Scrubs.

Stupid bint.

Now, where did I put those beta blockers?

Man admits to not knowing price of pint of milk

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David Davis, the former Shadow Home Secretary, said: “I didn’t even know films were that expensive… Claiming for films? I can’t believe it.”

Mr. Davis went on to confirm that PBD – a confirmed eunuch – didn’t even touch his penis when urinating, let alone engage in such filthy acts as cranking off a quick one.

You’re a star in the face of the sky

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No, dude: tell him what you really think…

It’s nice that he managed to get this diatribe in before Arrivederci finally shuffles off to spend more time with his family and/or the International Criminal Court in The Hague.

It is, of course, a shame that (a) he’s still a Tory cunt, and (b) he’s chosen to trouser vast amounts salary, expenses and perks as an utterly impotent Member of the utterly impotent European Parliament instead of actually doing something constructive about everything he says is wrong with the world.

I take solace in the fact that he’s apparently only six weeks older than me but looks like he’s living in 1952.

Clowns to the left of me; jokers to the right

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The US has announced details of a plan to buy up to $1 trillion (£686bn) worth of toxic assets to help repair banks’ balance sheets.

The “Public-Private Investment Programme” will purchase the troubled mortgages and securities that have been at the root of the credit crunch.

The Treasury has committed $75bn to $100bn to the programme and said the private sector would also contribute.

Investors welcomed the news, with stocks rising in the US and Europe.

NO FUCKING SHIT!

Fuck their pensions and bonuses: when the fuck are we going to see the cunts that perpetrated this Clusterfuck in the dock on charges related to trading while insolvent?

They can’t draw their fucking pension if they’re in Pentonville.

Or spend their fucking bonus if their assets have been seized to pay back some of the gazillions of quid they lost through greed and incompetence.

Or lord it like smug cunts if the ‘Genial’ Harry Grout is arranging their rape in the prison showers.

Sorry.

Forgive me.

Like the New Queen Mother Stephen Fry, I’m just overcome with grief.

Where did I leave my 16-page Jade pull-out tribute from today’s Sun…?

Keep Calm And Carry On

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This is not meant in any way to be critical of or insensitive towards the grieving family, but since when does the death in a skiing accident of a minor celebrity constitute a story worthy of leading the BBC’s news bulletins?

I presume this is merely a taster of what we can expect when Britain’s Sweetheart™ Jade Goody dies.

I do hope Sophie/Fiona/George/Huw will demonstrate an appropriate degree of national grief by donning widow’s weeds for that announcement.

And finally, hundreds more people lost their jobs, dozens more businesses went to the wall, the Earth warmed up further still and a duck rode a skateboard.

But we leave you tonight with a special tribute celebrating the life of the People’s Reality TV Queen.

21st Century Paxo

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It cannot have escaped the Ministry’s followers that a certain John Stewart is starting to make something of a name for himself across the pond for managing to cram into his half hour nightly satirical programme, The Daily Show, something almost the entire news media in the US have failed to produce for a very long time: competent journalism.

In the Minister’s absence I commend to you the three clips of his half hour interview with Jim Cramer, presenter of Mad Money on CNBC and Timmy Mallet-style flag-waver for corporate greed.  Cramer got caught by Stewart’s researchers fiddling while Rome burned last year and making consistently bad calls, betraying evidence of what Stewart read to be at best gross negligence and at worst criminal complicity.  Cramer at first protested that he wasn’t going to take a comedy show’s comments on financial matters seriously but, after recidivism from Stewart,  it came to a head last Thursday night when Cramer appeared face to face with his tormentor on The Daily Show.

Maybe Cramer expected a bit of fun at his expense and figured his financial knowledge could enable him to wriggle out of any serious criticism that might come his way with technical obfuscation.  What he got, could best be described as a session in the public stocks from a furious Stewart, who surprised Cramer with his remarkable grasp of corporate logic and refusal to take any woolly fobbing off from Cramer.  The result is uncomfortable viewing, but a real shot in the arm for American democracy, as the ensuing furore enables millions and millions of people to begin to understand just that little bit more about how the world works.

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