The Ministry Of Truth

The UPS Tracking Department has no trace of the package that was the subject of an unsuccessful delivery attempt at 2.20pm last Thursday.

The UPS Tracking Department says that the InfoNotice Number on the card left for me is not linked on its system to a Tracking Number and therefore cannot be traced.

The UPS Depot responsible for deliveries in my area constantly fails to make the telephone calls to me that it promises the UPS Tracking Department it will make.

The UPS Tracking Department has no record of the telephone conversation I had with one of its agents at 8.20am last Friday arranging for redelivery of the package to my work address on Monday.

The UPS Tracking Department thinks that the package was probably not actually for me, anyway.

The UPS Tracking Department can’t explain why the InfoNotice card was personally hand-addressed to The Minister.

The Minister wonders whether UPS is where Human Resources “Professionals” (sic) go to die.

Today, the Minister’s Wife dragged me across county boundaries to look at modern art.

It was particularly offensive modern art (“Ooh, look – a green stripe and a blue stripe!”) and I therefore was heard to grumble more than once about ‘chancers’, ‘bollocks’ and ‘utter shite’.  Indeed, by the end of our visit, in the Museum Shop I thought I should probably make amends.

“I will buy you anything on the table,” I said, thinking that the Minister’s Wife would pick perhaps a couple of the 85p postcards, a 55p bookmark and a £2.50 fridge magnet.

The Minister’s Wife beamed as she picked up the £55 hardback exhibition catalogue and carried it to the cash register.

Howard Hodgkin, you cunt.  No more Mr. Nice Guy.