I will only provide a urine sample when asked

By BigBrother in All posts 4 Comments Tags: , ,

Superb.  Just superb.

Police Chief Whiggum has what is probably the best single gag, munching doughnuts off the barrel of his gun, and almost blowing his head off when his mobile phone goes off: “Whew! That was a close one!”

Actually, while we’re on the subject, we might as well have my favourite Bart blackboard scribblings:

  • Tar is not a plaything
  • I will not Xerox my butt
  • I will not get very far with this attitude
  • Underwear should be worn on the inside
  • I will not yell “She’s dead” during roll call
  • The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee
  • Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
  • Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
  • I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
  • I will not send lard through the mail
  • I will not hang donuts on my person
  • The boys’ room is not a water park
  • I will not hide the teacher’s Prozac
  • “The President did it” is not an excuse 
  • A trained ape could not teach gym
  • I will not sell my kidney on eBay
  • I will stop phoning it in
  • “Non-Flammable” is not a challenge
  • I will not surprise the incontinent
  • I will only provide a urine sample when asked
  • Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
  • Fish do not like coffee
  • SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
  • I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
  • Global warming did not eat my homework

Bad as in bad

By BigBrother in All posts No Comments Tags: , , , ,

The BNP’s performance in yesterday’s Sedgefield by-election seems to have drawn little comment.

In fact the BNP candidate, Andrew Spence, took 9% of the vote.

It was a by-election.  The turnout was risible.  None of the main parties gave the constituency half as much attention as they did Ealing Southall.

All true.  But it’s equally true that, outside of some ethnically charged parts of the East End/Essex and Greater Manchester/Lancashire, this is the BNP’s best electoral showing for some time.

And it happened in an overwhelmingly white constituency, a rock solid Labour seat with comparatively little immigration or problems with racism.

I don’t wish to give those contemptible gimps publicity but does someone, somewhere within the major party machines not feel it worth lending a little bit of thought and energy to the question why nasty racists can pick up almost a tenth of the vote in the bright and sunny Britain of the 21st century?

Mind you, if Cameron continues to do as badly as this (the Tories have now not gained a seat at a by-election for A QUARTER OF A CENTURY – hahahaha!) it can only be a matter of time before the Bullingdon Buffoon straps on his jackboots and dusts off Michael Howard’s seminal handbook, How To Insinuate Despicable Views In Election Campaigns Without Ever Actually Saying What Everyone Knows You’re Saying.

Harry Potter And The Guardian’s Death Knell

By BigBrother in All posts No Comments Tags: , ,

Dear Mr. Rusbridger,

It was Smashy-ing to see your organisation provide space this week for the self-obsessed, arrogant and slightly unhinged former Radio 1 disc jockey Mike Read to declare to a grateful nation that he would not seek nomination as the Conservative candidate for next year’s London mayoral election.  (I haven’t yet met anyone who was aware Mr. Read was even considering standing but you clearly move in far more recherché circles than me.)

Between this and your inexplicable continued employment of self-obsessed, arrogant and slightly unhinged former Radio 1 disc jockey, ‘reality’ TV contestant and and game show host Nick”y” Campbell as a weekly columnist it is increasingly difficult to consider you a serious editor or ‘theguardian’ (sic) a serious newspaper.

Considering you were born in 1953 it seems odd that you were still obsessed with Radio 1 in the mid-1980s but to each his own.  As such, I do hope the pages of your organ will soon be bursting with “Me” Mark Page’s announcement that he is considering getting a conservatory, Adrian John’s views about woodchip wallpaper and and The Ranking Miss P’s agonising over whether or not she should become a school governor.

Get a grip, you silly man.

Yours sincerely,

[The Minister]

Zone Interdite

By BigBrother in All posts 1 Comment Tags: , ,

Today is a great day in history.

The Great Fire of Rome began this day in 64 AD.  The authority of the Pope was declared void in England this day in 1536.  Jane Austen died today in 1817, while W.G. Grace was born today in 1848.  The secret ballot was introduced in Britain on 18 July 1872.  The surprisingly tall Nelson Mandela was born today in 1918.  Adolf Hitler published Mein Kampf today in 1925.  Martha Reeves first called out around the world today in 1941.  Elvis Presley made his first recording in Sun Studios, Memphis today in 1953.  Ted Kennedy cleverly drove off a bridge in Chappaquiddick on 18 July 1969, killing an aide in the process.  Nadia Comaneci achieved the first ever perfect ‘10’ at the Montreal Olympics on this day in 1976.

But above all else, 18 July 1978 gave the world the exquisitely lovely Melissa Theuriau, this blog’s favourite newsreader.

The Minister wishes her a very happy 29th birthday and invites everyone back to his to watch some YouTube later.

It’s the only language they understand

By BigBrother in All posts No Comments Tags: , , , ,

Courts don’t ordinarily send old age pensioners to prison.

I hope the courts would consider making an exception were it to be proven – as alleged in today’s Manchester Guardian newspaper – that Kenneth William Bates, a 75-year-old spinster of the parish of Elland Road, had behaved contrary to section 216 of the Insolvency Act 1986.

Readers with long-ish memories might recall that Kuddly Komrade Ken was keen on a zero tolerance approach to football hooliganism during his time as chairman of Chelsea FC, once proposing to electrify perimiter fencing to keep the thugs in check.

The Ministry admires such authoritarianism, particularly in the field of white collar crime, and would welcome any moves by the judiciary to enforce strictly the sentencing powers given to them as part of the ongoing war on chancerism.

It takes a very special radio broadcaster to make Matthew Bannister look good

By BigBrother in All posts 1 Comment Tags: , , , ,

Why the Hell is theguardian so fucking enraptured by imbecilic former Radio 1 disc jockeys?

(And yes, I do mean you, Nick”y” Fucking Campbell.)

How big of Mr. Read to stand aside.

How tragic that he believes we care.

Do read the user comments (or at least the ones that survived theguardian’s Gestappo – “Oh come on, I put an asterisk in it! How do you know I didn’t mean ‘what a cant’?“): they’re almost as funny as the ones left for Nick”y” each week.

Coming up next week: Chris Moyles and Scott Mills discuss whether there is a viable two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict, and Jo Whiley writes about why she thinks green apples are tastier than red ones.

Cock off, Read.

And grow up, Rusbridger.

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