Needledick

By BigBrother in All posts 1 Comment Tags: , ,

Yesterday I bought a copy of the magazine Loaded for the first time this century. I am indebted to a friend for the recommendation. Pages 60, 61 and 63 of said publication includes an interview with “Loaded Legend” Eamonn Holmes. In the interests of impartial reportage, I present some highlights from that interview without comment.

On the scariest moment of his life
I had a gun put to my head once. It was in the ’70s… I was in my parked car at 1am when a Ford Cortina went past with four men in it. Then they started reversing. So I slammed mine in reverse. It was like Starsky & Hutch; we were driving backwards around a roundabout in circles. Their car stopped mine and they got out. One of them rammed a gun against my temple, screaming, “Who are you?” Pathetically, I said, “Don’t shoot, I’m on the TV.”

On being slagged off about his weight
I may be overweight, but I’m good looking. I can always go on a diet.

On the ladies
Unfortunately, I was never a ladies’ man. I never exploited my celebrity. I always did the right thing. At 21, I was the youngest anchor on the ITV network [at Ulster TV]… If I had my life to live over again, I’d totally abuse my status and drink quite a lot.

On football
I love Man United… I’ve had a season ticket since 1996. Fergie demands loyalty and so do I.

On shooting guns
I’m very good with guns. I’d quite like to own some, by my other half has forbade it.

On Prince Charles
I won a clay pigeon shoot for the Prince’s Trust once. Prince Charles said to me, “That was incredible, where did you learn to shoot like that?” I replied, “Where I grew up, it wasn’t much of a problem.” So he replied, “What did you use for practise?” …I said, “Probably shooting at your regiment.”

On Fathers For Justice storming the Lottery Show
The show was ending early… We’re ticking down, then this arsehole lets off a flare. However sympathetic you are, as soon as they do that, that’s it. Then they start running towards me. Sarah Cawood’s a good ladette… So I shoved her in front of me… As he approached, I’m thinking, ‘I’m going to hit you.’ …I genuinely thought, I’ll take your head off if you keep running at me. But I put a woman in front of me instead, to save us all the trouble.

OK, just one comment, then: Holmes, you’re a pathetic twat. This is the Ministry Of Truth and revisionism doesn’t work here. See for yourself how things really unfolded that night in the Lottery studio. (You can stop watching the video after the first minute, even if the graphic is more entertaining viewing than Holmes…)

David Mellor, Nicky Campbell, Stephen Nolan, Eamonn Holmes… Why do the nation’s most objectionable human beings always seem to find a job on Radio Five Live?

Don’t forget that the “Official Website of TV Presenter and Personality Eamonn Holmes” can be found at www.eamonn.tv and, as he says in his self-effacing introduction he’s always keen to hear from you “even if it’s just for an autograph request or something like that”: info@eamonn.tv.

I am unable to confirm how many results a Google search for “Eamonn Holmes” and “cunt” returns, but do feel free to give it a whirl.

Happy and clappy

By BigBrother in All posts No Comments Tags: , ,

The planets must be in strange alignment at the moment for I find myself in agreement with the General Synod of the Church of England: this is Not Supposed To Happen.

The Synod yesterday voted overwhelmingly to record their “concerns” at the media’s tendency to “exploit the humiliation of human beings for public entertainment”. One speaker suggested that such shows may be “fatally eroding” standards of behaviour.

I am not a great advocate of the theory that life mirrors art but when popular culture so regularly, willingly and eagerly accords celebrity, fame and wealth upon those who do little but insult, belittle, embarrass and/or abuse other people (fill in your own examples here), at least some members of society will inevitably conclude that insulting, belittling, embarrassing and/or abusing others is not only acceptable behaviour but actually something of which to be proud.

I’ve turned to a random page in the TV listings magazine and tomorrow evening alone, there are six peaktime programmes on the five terrestrial channels that involve behaviour of the type criticised by the Synod – The Weakest Link, Fame Academy (twice), Dragon’s Den, You’ve Been Framed, Dancing On Ice (twice) and PokerFace. Participants in all those programmes will be insulted, embarrassed and belittled – and next series, those insulters, embarrassors and belittlers will be back to point out other people’s deficiencies all over again (and probably for a higher fee, too).

If “bums on seats” is the only metric that matters, then fair play: a very large proportion of the British population will watch one or more of those programmes tomorrow night – but they will do so as much to watch someone fall flat on their arse (literally, in the case of Dancing On Ice) at least as much as to see someone triumph through talent. But, as ever, the things that count the most cannot themselves be counted.

Channel 4′s bigwigs publicly (and disgracefully) admitted that the Celebrity Big Brother racism row reinvigorated a tired and stale format and saved the series. The ultimate conclusion of thought processes like these is that series 29 of CBB will have to feature real-time (and preferably interactive) torture and murder to keep the ratings – if not the participants – alive.

I don’t believe “reality TV” should be banned any more than competitive sport should be banned in schools – life isn’t always pleasant and competition is one of homo sapiens‘ base survival instincts – but if a society prefers to venerate those who take pleasure in the pain of others (aka sadists), over and above those who compete in the first place, surely that is a sign of society is in real moral trouble?

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