The Ministry Of Truth

The Two Minutes Hate will commence momentarily


Botney Bollocks

By BigBrother, on December 6th, 2006, 10:33 pm.

I’ve just watched Alan Yentob’s execrable edition of Imagine… (a series so generally pisspoor it doesn’t even have its own website) trying to explain t’Internet to Radio 4 listeners living in rural Kent. Patronising shite, of course – just like watching Embarrassing Dad dance – but it’s really made me want to get one thing off my chest.

It’s controversial…

Deep breath…

Arctic Monkeys: how overrated are they, eh? Whiny voice, tinny geetars, amateurish production, no arrangements and three, maybe four, really good songs at best.

There.

I’ve said it.

Will you throw garbage at me when I walk down the street tomorrow?

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I’m Warne out by this nonsense

By julesallen, on December 6th, 2006, 4:50 pm.

As an avid England cricket fan, I’ve got a lot to be disappointed about just at the moment. But after all the excitement and hype leading up to the current Ashes series, the biggest disappointment of them all, in terms of both his attitude and his bowling, has been Shane Warne.

We all love Warney, don’t we? I know I do. He’s the best bowler who “ever walked this planet” in the prosaic words of Kevin Pietersen. Last year he bowled beautifully, took 40 wickets and it didn’t make any difference because Australia lost, but he got all the credit he deserved and was made BBC International Sports Personality of the year. He deserved that as much for his personality as his bowling. He was “hard but fair”, competitive but generous.

This year he’s bowled absolute filth. Not just by his standards, by anyone’s. And what’s more, he isn’t taking it very well.

Oh and the papers are singing his praises. And the Aussie team are going out of their way to do the same.

Now this just looks like I’m a bitter England fan, devastated by our recent implosion, who doesn’t mind Warne’s brilliance when he is on the losing side, right? Okay, I’ll grant you that there is something in that. I like him more when he is playing well but losing, because I am better disposed toward giving him the credit he deserves. But above all, like all proper cricket fans, I like him when he is playing well, full stop. And we all like him because of his attitude to the game. That’s fast disappearing.

In the First Test Warne bowled averagely well by his standards. 4-149 in the match. Yes, there was always brilliance there and the England batsmen were never out of danger, but Duncan Fletcher was right in many ways when he said England had played him quite well (just as he was right when he said that England had played him quite well in 2005). Ex editor of Wisden, Tim de Lisle, in fact, put it best in his Ashes blog:

“In [the 2005] series, England handed Warne loads of wickets, but refused to let him dominate. For years, Warne and Glenn McGrath had been both attacking and defensive at the same time, adding up to a quadruple whammy for their captains. Under Michael Vaughan, England’s approach said: we can’t stop you taking wickets, so we’re going to make you pay more for them.

Warne went for 3.15 an over last year, the first time he had been above three in an Ashes series. England took 797 runs off him in 252.5 overs, whereas 12 years earlier, in the wonderball series, they scraped only 897 off 439.5, at the ridiculous price of 1.99. Kevin Pietersen fearlessly laid into Warne; Flintoff played block-or-bash; Vaughan showed his usual flair; Andrew Strauss slowly learnt to survive; Geraint Jones managed better than usual against high-class spin. Only Bell and the tail were mesmerised.

In this match, England have again shown Warne a healthy disrespect. Pietersen sashayed down the track to him as if he was Mark Ramprakash on Strictly Come Dancing. Paul Collingwood, far less predictably, took the same route. He perished by it, but not before he had made far more runs than many people thought he was capable of at no.4.”

Until England’s brilliant decision to “block their way to safety” in the 4th innings at Adelaide, Warne leaked 3.29 runs per over and had an average of 63. Matthew Hoggard’s average in a series where England are getting flogged, is 27.

In the first innings of the Second Test, Warne bowled simply abysmally: 1-167 (his worst bowling figures of his entire first class career) was a combination of negative Gilo-bilge over the wicket, long hops, full bungers and generally losing the plot because he wasn’t making any inroads whatsoever against Paul Collingwood, a batsman Warne generously rated to his face as “no good”. It was turgid offal, with the odd flicker of brilliance just to make you frustratingly regret what he did last year.

Warne’s reaction to his own impotence on this occasion has been petulant, obnoxious and not worthy of him. His sledging is for the most part unpleasant where it used to be funny (we’ll allow him the Sherminator in mitigation); his newspaper columns are childish where they used to be insightful. He will say his reaction was positive and that he bowled England out on the final day but I’m sorry, this is half-truth: what actually happened was that England simply self-destructed in a morass of dreadful negative tactics and loss of bottle. Of course someone as talented as Warne was always going to capitalise on this, but too much credit has been ascribed to him in the press. Ponting saved that match, and England threw it away.

I’ll give the Australians all the credit they deserve, where they deserve it. Ponting and Hussey have been superb and they are the reason Australia are 2-0 up in the series. Michael Clarke has not received due credit for helping to effectively save the second test, and he is the most stylish batsman on either side. But look at their bowlers for a second. Lee’s still averaging 50 against England and 64 in this series. The Aussies will be hoping McGrath steps on a ball again so they don’t have to drop him. This attack against a batting side which isn’t determined to throw their wickets away, is an underwhelming prospect. The frustration is that neither attack in this series is really as good as the series deserves. England won’t take 20 wickets and Australia won’t take them cheaply unless they are handed to them by England. Unfortunately England have been all too ready to oblige in this regard.

Now for Warne and Ponting to go on and claim this was Australia’s greatest ever victory is pure industrial strength Aussie psycho-babble, designed to re-create an aura around a team whose aura has long since disappeared, and some kind of last hurrah for him and his “legends”: Hayden, Martyn, Langer, Gilchrist, McGrath etc who really shouldn’t be there any more. Botham was a legend, but when he ambled in to bowl long hops weighing 15 stone, he deserved to be treated like a mortal. Maybe Ponting wants to go on an open topped bus? England didn’t turn up until the 4th day in Brisbane and they matched Australia but imploded during one session in Adelaide, which would otherwise have been a draw. It’s our ability to recognise these facts for what they are, that allows us to recognise that Australia were 10 or so overs away from winning the Ashes 3-1 in 2005.

So we should criticise England, sure. They deserve it. They beat Pakistan 3-0 without Flintoff, Vaughan or Jones, and they’ve let themselves down here about as much as one could imagine. But really, we don’t need to big up the Aussies. Save that for them to do themselves in their own press conferences. There really isn’t much of a difference between the sides. There ought to be, given how ragged, shorn of fit players and mentally shot England are after this terrible start, but there isn’t. Why? Because Australia are simply not as good as they are telling everyone that they are. Warne knows this and hates it, which is why he’s behaving like a spoilt bastard. Let’s give him credit when credit’s due to him, not just whenever he demands it.

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National Express

By BigBrother, on December 5th, 2006, 11:54 am.

George Monbiot: I’m all for putting more vehicles on our roads. As long as they’re coaches in today’s Guardian.

The M25 has 790 miles of lanes. If these are used by cars carrying the average load of 1.6 occupants, at 60mph the road’s total capacity is just – wait for it – 19,000 people. Coaches travelling at the same speed, each carrying 30 passengers, raise the M25′s capacity to 260,000. Every coach swallows up a mile of car traffic. They also reduce carbon emissions per passenger mile by an average of 88%.

Finally, someone has noticed Emperor Eddington’s new threads.  As ever, Monbiot addresses the real issue without the encumbrance of the straitjacket of party politics.

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Take off all your clothes

By BigBrother, on December 3rd, 2006, 8:59 pm.

Oh, for fuck sake.

The Met Office said it was being asked to cut at least £5m over three years from £60m annual Ministry of Defence funding for equipment for the main forecasting centre, also used for climate change research.

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Ticket To Ride

By BigBrother, on December 3rd, 2006, 8:39 pm.

Sir Rod Eddington‘s report into the future of the UK’s transport infrastructure seems to have drawn remarkably little media flak.

Personally, I find it odd that the task of developing the blueprint for UK transport was handed to the man whose Chief Executive high-back, leather chair at British Airways was still warm from his butt cheeks.

It seems to me a bit like, for example, recruiting the sitting Chief Executive of Virgin Trains to become both the Chairman and Chief Executive of the Strategic Rail Authority and then wondering why the SRA revoked the licence of Silverlink, the only direct competitor to Virgin Trains on the route between London and Birmingham.

Nevertheless, Sir Rodders has seen the future and – fuck me gently with a chainsaw – it involves masses more air travel and huge airport expansion. The airline industry, you will doubtless know, does not pay tax on aviation fuel, despite the proven damage it does to the planet.

Eddington says that air travellers should pay full environmental cost of their journey through taxes and surcharges. That’s air travellers, you note – not air carriers, who will presumably therefore still be free to fly half-empty planes around the globe with impugnity.

Eddington also says that he has found little evidence to support a truly high-speed rail link between London and the north. Not least because, at £200 for a Standard Class Open Return rail ticket between London and Manchester, it is now actually cheaper to fly between the UK’s first and third cities. And, given the shambolic state of the West Coast Main Line, it’s very nearly as quick to fly, too.

There is one part of Eddington’s report with which I agree: the re-regulation of buses outside London.  Deregulation was one of Thatcher’s maddest follies, made during that wild-eyed period when she seemed to have no clue what the day, month or year were.  Since deregulation we mere provincial mortals have seen bus routes slashed, fares spiral and timetables rendered increasingly meaningless.
There are no cheap, easy or painless answers to 40 years of underinvestment, corner-cutting and neglect: it’s going to cost a lot of money and take a lot of time to sort out the messes that are this country’s current road, bus and rail networks.  “New” Labour has wasted nine years and appears to have fudged yet another opportunity; let’s hope that the next Prime Minister – whoever he or she is – has the cojones to grasp the nettle properly and stand up to the air lobby.

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Grammy: winner

By BigBrother, on December 3rd, 2006, 7:12 pm.

Now, this is tragic, sad and outrageous in equal measure, don’t get me wrong. But – and bear in mind I’ve had more than a couple of units as I type this – I can’t help but think of this:

You guys like going to the movies? You… you do? Three of you do? I love the fucking movies. Love ‘em. Now I’m watching ‘Terminator 2′, did ya’ll see that movie? Well, I’m watching, and I’m thinking to myself, You know what? There’s no way they’re ever gonna be able to top these stunts in a movie again, you cannot top this shit. Unless… They start using terminally ill people as stunt men in pictures. Well, hear me out. Because I know to some of you, this may sound a little cruel: “Aw, Bill. Terminally ill stunt people – that’s cruel.” You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put ‘em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room, her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? Hey, how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger? Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck! (Karate noises) Wow, he kicked her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy? She’s out of her misery, you’ve seen the greatest film of all time! I’m still feeling some resistance to this, man. What’s up? You and your fake fucking sympathy. Okay, how about these guys who’re being executed? Don’t do that. Poison, electrocute – how cruel! And unimaginative! Put ‘em in the movies! Jeffery Dahmer, for your crimes against humanity, of which you’ve been found guilty, I sentence you to Wes Craven’s next picture! Bwahahaha! Ahh! Ahh! Okay, not one of my more popular theories. But just do me a big favor – don’t ever say you love film as much as I do. I think we found your limit.

While the Ministry could never condone breach of copyright, read the full transcript of Bill Hicks’ Relentless show here. Better yet, buy the CD here.

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I’m walking here!

By BigBrother, on December 3rd, 2006, 1:19 pm.

There’s a fascinating interview with Dustin Hoffman in today’s Sunday Times. It’s hard to imagine one of cinema’s greatest ever actors regretting much about his career (Ishtar excepted, natch) but Hoffman admits his regret at turning down the chance to work with Federico Fellini:

“I turned him down? To look back now and think I could have spent three months with one of the great – I don’t want to start crying here – but one of the greatest film artists of all time? I don’t care if he was doing doo-doo for 12 hours every day.”

It seems that Hoffman – like so many of the best actors – is driven by a personal fear of failure.  Suffused with that fear, the conclusion of the interview (with Ariel Leve) is lovely:

“Someone once said to me, ‘Some of us choose to live with a lifeboat just a little bit out of our reach.’ I’d like to reach a point where I no longer bullshit myself. I think that’s the natural human condition – to lie to yourself. Because the truth is painful.”

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…but I can’t trace time

By BigBrother, on December 3rd, 2006, 12:12 pm.

Apparently it’s the first anniversary of Plastic Dave Cameron’s ascension to the Tory throne.

Apparently this means it’s time for State Of The Party pieces in the Sunday broadsheets.

Apparently the State Of The Party is confused.

In the Sunday Telegraph, a focus group thinks Plastic Dave is:

“[a] family man; posh; English; nice but dim; quasi cyclist; highly intelligent; cheerful; unknown quantity; slick; interesting; directionless; PR friendly”… Something stark is becoming apparent: Cameron is inspiring the most admiration among those who usually tend towards Labour, the Lib Dems or minority parties or who didn’t vote at the last election. He provokes the most critical comments from those who most frequently vote Tory.

Tory traditionalists are hostile towards Cameron for the same reason socialists (remember them?) were aghast at the rise of Mr. Tony Blair – because he’s full of shit as far as they’re concerned.

Consider that previous Conservative Secretaries of State for the Environment number the notorious greens Nicholas Ridley, Michael Heseltine and Peter Walker (who were, in fairness, complicit in the destruction of our coal industry, thereby significantly reducing the nation’s carbon emissions – if you don’t count the emissions involved in now shipping in all that cheap coal from Poland), Kenneth Baker and – oh, yes – Michael Fucking Howard: that line up shows you exactly how serious the last 30 years’ worth of Tory leaders took their responsibilities to the planet.

All of a sudden the annual conference finds itself addressed by a plastic man who rides a pedal cycle (as alien a concept to them as it was to Katharine Ross in Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid) standing in front of a picture of a tree scrawled by a five-year-old with ADHD. When conference ends, the delegates drive home in their Jags and 4x4s and go back to work in businesses raping the planet with gay abandon. They don’t “get” it any more than Scargill and Benn “got” the blue-pencilling of Clause IV and the fellating of business tycoons.

And it would, of course, be more convincing to the rest of us if that pedal bike wasn’t being shadowed by a car carrying Plastic Dave’s change of clothes.

Almost everyone thinks he is caring and compassionate… Jane adds: “It seems to come naturally to him.” Even Colin agrees: “There is sincerity in him. You can’t fake that.”

You can’t?

Can’t you?

CAN’T YOU REALLY?

The Observer worries that Plastic Dave’s approach to politics might lead voters to see that the emperor is naked:

The greatest risk David Cameron takes is that being fashionable will go out of political fashion.

The newspaper’s Andrew Rawnsley also points out that eventually someone is going to ask Plastic Dave actually to say something meaningful instead of mouthing sanctimonious platitudes.

But then, what’s this in The Sunday Times?

David Cameron, the Conservative party leader, is facing an official investigation for hosting a series of fundraising events in the House of Commons. He and other senior Tories have hosted 32 fundraising lunches or dinners in private parliamentary rooms in the past two months. They are thought to have raised more than £100,000.


Last week, two backbench Labour MPs filed a formal complaint with Sir Philip Mawer, the parliamentary commissioner for standards.

Parliamentary rules ban the use of Commons dining facilities for fundraising. They state: “The private dining rooms are not to be used for direct financial or material gain by a sponsor, political party or any other person or outside organisation.”

The sale of dinners in the Commons is the latest fundraising controversy to hit Cameron. Last week the Tories disclosed they had taken substantial loans running into millions of pounds from several offshore trusts and companies at rates below those offered by conventional banks.

Thank fuck for that: sleaze and money. After a year, at last I can identify with the Tory leader.

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I wouldn’t say journalists are lazy, but…

By BigBrother, on December 3rd, 2006, 10:33 am.

…there’s a story in today’s Sunday Times written by David Cracknell.

And Sarah Baxter.

With additional reporting by Michael Smith.

The article is 300 words in length.

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Mistletoe And Wine

By BigBrother, on December 1st, 2006, 8:04 pm.

Damn, but this is good.

Words might fail me, but for the inclusion in the English language of the wonderfully utilitarian word ‘twat’.

Why isn’t there writing this good in the newspapers?

Oh.

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