The US has announced details of a plan to buy up to $1 trillion (£686bn) worth of toxic assets to help repair banks’ balance sheets.

The “Public-Private Investment Programme” will purchase the troubled mortgages and securities that have been at the root of the credit crunch.

The Treasury has committed $75bn to $100bn to the programme and said the private sector would also contribute.

Investors welcomed the news, with stocks rising in the US and Europe.

NO FUCKING SHIT!

Fuck their pensions and bonuses: when the fuck are we going to see the cunts that perpetrated this Clusterfuck in the dock on charges related to trading while insolvent?

They can’t draw their fucking pension if they’re in Pentonville.

Or spend their fucking bonus if their assets have been seized to pay back some of the gazillions of quid they lost through greed and incompetence.

Or lord it like smug cunts if the ‘Genial’ Harry Grout is arranging their rape in the prison showers.

Sorry.

Forgive me.

Like the New Queen Mother Stephen Fry, I’m just overcome with grief.

Where did I leave my 16-page Jade pull-out tribute from today’s Sun…?